My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
men, we mow at sunrise.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
#Caturday
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.