I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..