[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Sharon I have some bad news
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.