A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders