all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Waiting for the Charmin
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”