*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.