I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December