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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My birthstone is kidney
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
6. me as a lawyer
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
can’t catch a break
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.