Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.