Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
You Might Also Like
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Sunday
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Feel. He’s so soft.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean