Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..