[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
lumberjacks will cut a birch
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it