I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
dutch so unserious
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell