I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
It was worth a shot 😂
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Noted.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider