I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!