Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
never forget
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.