wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like