ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow