The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: it鈥檚 not you, I just don鈥檛 like talking on the phone, I鈥檓 super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That鈥檚 adulthood….
guys I鈥檓 going home
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I don鈥檛 trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME