When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.