Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Ladies, why y’all do this?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.