triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
You Might Also Like
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again