I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!