I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
You Might Also Like
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!