Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You deplete me
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.