Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not