The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.