I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Why I divorced her.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Two types of dogs.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.