saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Vodka burrito was a success
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Just had my nails done!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?