[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…