Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.