Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
buys donuts instead
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy