I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Another interesting #factupdates post!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?