“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card