In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
ok like just. call me at this point
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”