At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.