evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
felt that
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Single and childfree like Jesus
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”