Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
incredible
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
new career option?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah