superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.