me: goodnight moon đ
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars đ
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard đ
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
wife: I know itâs hard, but crying and throwing things isnât going to make it easier
son: Whatâs wrong with dad?
wife: Heâs trying to figure out your math homework
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: iâm over in the cereal.
wife: but iâm in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Iâve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my momâs bed: sweetie whereâd you go? weâre gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please donât tell her im here
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying âtoc!â. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: Iâm not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
âIf you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-â
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but werenât you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, thatâs what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out âphone chargersâ. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day