A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Tell the colonel to bring it