I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.