Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Thrilling chase underway
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift