Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
You Might Also Like
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th