*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You’ll be OK