[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea