Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“A little help here, Danny?”