“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable