Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled