I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Basketball
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her